Well, my summer hasn't quite turned out how I planned.
I started out this summer really ambitious and ready to take over the world. I woke up every morning at 6:00 to go running. I wanted to train for something big and finally lose that extra baby weight before my 30th birthday (which happens to be next week). Then something a bit unexpected happened....
On June 9th I finally decided I had better take a pregnancy test just to rule it out since my period was two weeks late. To my complete shock and surprise, it was positive. I can't even really describe the emotions that hit. I was shocked. I was stressed. You see... my toddler and other two busy school aged kids already pretty much run me to the ground. I had just finally lost over 10 pounds so I felt guilty and selfish for being disappointed that I would have to gain that back. I felt scared because I didn't want to be that sick again. It just didn't feel right or exciting like I anticipated it too. I was already about 6 weeks at this poing based off my LMP, but I couldn't decide what doctor to go see so I waited about a week before I called and made an appointment. They actually got me in that day. I am considered high risk because of my diabetes. They decided to do a viability ultrasound that day and found that I was only measuring at 5 weeks instead of 7, which is too early to see a heart beat. While this is not unusual, it is for me and I knew already that there was something wrong. They had me come back in a week. The next week it measured more than a week bigger but still there was no heartbeat. Because it was still possibly to early to tell, they told me to come back in a week.... again. By this point I am now nauseated and tired and having headaches and dizzy and all the fun things taht come with pregnancy.
The next week the sack still only measured about 6 weeks but initially the tech said there was a heart beat. Then upon taking a closer look she determined that there was blood flow to the yolk sac but not to the fetus. They again asked that I come back in a week. I actually returned 3 days later.
Three days later the tech felt that she saw a "flicker" but there was still no heart beat and the sack had not grown at all. Yet AGAIN they asked that I come back in a week. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty frustrated at this point. I asked how long it would take before I could just have a clear answer.
I am now supposed to be over 10 week and still don't have an answer. I did bloodwork Thursday and Monday and I am supposed to go back in tomorrow morning for ANOTHER ultrasound. I am REALLY hoping they can give me some answers and help me move on with my life. This has been hard. I have learned a lot, but it has not been easy. Being sick when you are pregnant is so much more doable when you know you are creating a perfect little life in you. It's a whole nother story when you know it is all for nothing. It's frustrating. Because I've known for some time that I will lose this baby I have told very few people. It's an awkward conversation to be like "Oh yeah I'm pregnant.... but I'm just waiting to finally miscarry." Or "I've been really sick because I'm pregnant, but only until this thing that is not alive in me passes". I'm just not really sure how to explain it.
Anyway... Here is to hoping for answers and a clearer future. Through all of this one thing I have realized is how incredibly grateful I am for my three healthy beautiful babies that I have. I truly could not ask for more.
